Reality is the perfect example of abnormality according to me. It’s subjective from one perspective to the other and often depends on how your mind perceives the outer world. Realities change depending on the point of life you’re currently in and the kind of content you consume. And all these realities have the same origin point — Childhood.
This phase of our life brings back many Saudade memories, gushing emotions, and experiences that are forever ingrained in our memory palace. The possibilities were limitless, no dream unconquerable and there were little to no restrictions on the amount of candy one could eat heartily!
As pure as our childhood thoughts and emotions were, childhood is also the phase that is considered trivial by many. The experiences we go through in this phase chalk out a roadmap for how we plan to cherish or suffer later in our lives.
Did you ever question yourself and wonder -
“Why do I behave like this?”
“Why am I so reactive?”
“Why am I shy in social gatherings?”
and the list goes on and on
These questions go way deeper than what we think. According to popular psychoanalysts Carl Jung and Freud, the answers to some of our most pressing questions about the self goes back to how our childhood was. It’s a journey that is daunting at first but is enlightening in the end. And, hereby “end” I don’t necessarily mean that it’s an absolute end but it’s just the end of the constant downward spirals that one goes through when boggled by all the “Why’s?”
Sigmund Freud has a popular theory called the theory of the personality. According to him, our personality boils down to 3 distinct “structures”:
- Id
- Superego
- Ego
Id: It’s concerned with the instant gratification of our personality with no concern for ethics and morals. The desire to have something or someone starts from here.
Superego: Superego deals with the morals associated with desire. Having a “moral compass” stems from the superego. All the thoughts and feelings associated with “Will that be the right thing to do?” are dealt with Superego
Ego: Ego is known as the self. It’s the pragmatic and logical part of our personality that balances Id and Superego. The ego acts as the conscious guiding light that helps us in decision-making.
For example, The conflict of whether to ask someone for help is resolved by the ego. Your Id would signal for the instant gratification which is getting your problem resolved but the superego would make you question “Is this right of me to ask her for help as she’s going through a breakdown”. The ego would mediate this conflict by providing a pragmatic solution which is “I will ask for her help but only after I’m sure that she’s in a good mental space” and that is what you’d most likely end up doing.
As you can observe our 3 structures (id, superego, and ego) are always in a constant state of conflict and questioning. Now, this is where it gets interesting, the way conflict resolution happens in the ego is shaped up with our childhood experiences.
The next question that’d pop up would be-
Why?
This is because when we were kids the experiences that we had shaped up our moral compass (superego) and the instant gratification (Id) is a primate function that exists within us right from the start. And, the combination of these two will either lead to a strong ego or a weak ego. The stronger the ego the healthier the personality one has.
As much as the child struggles to deny, minimize, bargain with, and co-exist with the abuse, the impact of chronic trauma seeps into the deep recesses of the psyche and in the body. Psychologist and author Alice Miller states, our childhoods are stored in our bodies” (Miller A. Thou shalt not be aware: Society’s betrayal of the Child. New York: Farrar, Straus, Giroux; 1984).
So, how can you use your childhood memories to uncover answers?
The first and the foremost thing one can do is to journal their memories or if that’s hard then sit at peace and try recalling all the memories. Try to explore the depths and breadth of your memory palace.
Next, be a conscious observer of your emotions and feelings. When you’re feeling low, instead of going into the downward spiral, start by observing your internal and external environment. The motive of this is to find out what’s the trigger to these emotions and feelings. Because oftentimes there is always a trigger.
Once a trigger is identified or you think you have identified then question the trigger. The most effective way of questioning is the “5 whys template”. It’s a popular approach to identify the root cause of the problem. In this template, first, you define the problem. This is done by identifying the belief. Next, start with a why and figure out the answer and repeat the process of questioning till you find a root cause. One of the things to keep in mind is to know when to stop. As a rule of thumb, stop when there is no cause-and-effect relationship and the responses become illogical.
More often than not, as you start questioning your triggers and being aware that childhood has a part to play, you’ll observe that experiences that you thought were trivial in your childhood could be the root cause of your suffering right now.
Finally, one needs to shatter the limiting beliefs. Shattering one’s belief can take time. The mind needs to accept that the beliefs that it was fed early on and which were reinforced overtime are not true. Some of the ways one can shatter beliefs are:
- Changing the social circle that makes you feel underconfident
- Changing the environment and the media you consume
- Feeding your mind with new beliefs and taking consistent action to strengthen them over-time
- Seeking guided professional help to make the process much more smooth and streamlined
For example, Let’s say you have self-esteem issues and often find yourself worrying about not being confident enough or good-looking enough.
First step: Identify the (limiting) belief
In this case, the belief is “I’m not confident enough”
Second step: Find the trigger to the belief
Here, one trigger can be being in the presence of someone confident and comfortable in their skin. Another trigger could be feeling inferior in social gatherings and struggling to keep up with the conversation.
Third step: Question the belief. Use the 5-why’s template to get to the root cause of the belief and possibly figure out how the belief was planted in your brain
In this instance, the root cause of the belief may be being labeled as unattractive and weird in childhood and that belief reinforced over time will become your perceived reality.
Fourth step: Shatter the belief.
For this example, one way to shatter the belief can be to start being kind to oneself and realizing that beliefs are controllable and you’re the person who is in charge.
Beliefs, be it uplifting and positive or limiting and negative are borrowed, subconsciously picked up, or instilled in us. They give us freedom or they chain us to our perceived reality. The question is are you willing to challenge the limiting beliefs or are you making peace with them because you have accepted and defined your limits. Either of which is fine :)
In every adult, there lurks an eternal child, something that is always becoming is never completed, and calls for unceasing care, attention and education. That is the part of the human personality which wants to develop and become whole — (Jung CG. Development of Personality in Collected Works of C.G. Jung, Vol.17. Princeton NJ: Princeton University Press; 1954)
